My friend was here the other day wrapping gifts. We usually talk about many things, but what we mostly talked about that day was her friend who has been diagnosed with cancer. My friend is torn between doing too little and not doing enough, what she really wants to do is make her friend's cancer go away right now and she can't do that. So what she does is everything she can think of to help her friend, pray, listen, cry, visit, organize friends, make food, and one other incredibly thoughtful thing I think you might want to do as well if you have a friend in need. She drops off a small little gift at her doorstep each and every day. She doesn't knock on the door, she doesn't drop in unexpectedly, she simply leaves it there to let her friend know she is thinking of her each and every day as her good friend faces this unfair journey.
In order to bring gifts to a person who has cancer or to someone who is grieving, you have to get past the thought that it seems somewhat frivolous to gift someone who has bigger things on their mind. Big as in fighting for their Life. Big as in a loved one has died. Gifts are normally given in times of celebration, so the first association is one of pleasure and joy. But gifts can be more than that, done in the proper spirit they can be incredibly healing. Bringing beauty when it seems like it has gone far away.
This has been on my mind for awhile, how to talk to you about when a gift is given in a time of sadness, not celebration. It isn't that we don't know we should do something, but many of us are somewhat skittish when it comes to sickness or death. Even when we have been on the other side and know how it feels, we tell ourselves we'll do something, we just don't know what yet. Sometimes we do nothing and let the time pass. Some will send flowers, some will donate to charity, but sometimes you need to do more and it needs to be more personal. I can only tell you what I know, what I see, and what I hear after sending customer gifts at these challenging times. This is not a time to be skittish. This is not about you feeling awkward. It is a time when it is all about them. Period.
Bringing Small Comforts is the first in a series that I will be posting about over the next month or two. Feel free to give me input, share the unique ways you have found to give support and I will be happy to share them with readers. We all need help with this. We all need to do something. Anything to make them feel better. Some ideas will cost money, some will cost time, but I hope to share as many ideas as I can because I think it is an important subject if I blog about gifting.
As the first idea, let's get back to my friend thoughtful doorstep idea. We spent some time talking about products that would comfort someone with cancer and I will share that list as we move along in this series. Today I am showing you four ideas that can be done with pretty teacups you may already have and can reuse. One filled with wax as a beautiful teacup candle (clickh here for how-to), one with a few fresh blooms, one with a tea and strainer, and one with powder and a powder puff. If you like this doorstep idea, know that you don't have to do this yourself. It doesn't even have to be every day, it can be once a week. You can get a group of friends together to contribute to a fund and delegate who will be the shopper, who will deliver each day or week, it doesn't matter how........ it matters that you do something. Period.
1st and 4th photo by Kate French - Sarah Kaye/ 2nd photo Anthropologie candle from Country Living/3rd and 5th photo by Kate French - Sarah Kaye
Wonderful post. I am blessed to have had an easy life, and my friends and family seem to all be in good health. But as I get older, I know I will be faced with difficult times- either my own or my loved ones. I will be sure to file these posts on grief giving in the back of my mind in order to help those when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteThanks doll,
The Glamorous Housewife
This is so true Sande, acknowledging grief is so important in every way. What a wonderful post and lovely thoughts, xv.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful, thoughtful post. I have received gifts this week, some small and some not so small, and they all have meant so much to me during this time. Even though my loss was a dog, these people knew she was our "child". It doesn't take away the pain, but it brings a bright spot to my day and that means the world to me.
ReplyDeletexo ~ Dana
the past few years, reality has set in... my parents friends have died, my friends parents have passed on and now some really dear friends are faced with their children very ill. this is a wonderful post and has given me inspiration on "what to do FOR THEM" as it truly is, all about them... we are all so blessed and we need to give as much as we can of ourselves to help them in times of need. and it can be a flower, a note, food prep, a walk, anything... to let them know we TRULY love them.
ReplyDeletelovely... as always sande... thank you. x pam
I remember a few years ago a sweet friend was diagnosed with breast cancer and of course I felt awkward about reaching out to her. One day, I cut flowers from my garden and arranged them in a vintage container and left them on her porch with a heartfelt note. Upon driving away... I felt much better and was sure she would appreciate the little bit of beauty in her day :)
ReplyDeleteI love this idea of yours... because the giver of the gift is also suffering and it helps them as well :)
xo~Terri
What a beautiful post, and how kind is your friend! It is not at all frivolous - to me it is a symbol of hope that she will prevail and enjoy the beauty and kindness of and behind the gift! I am sure it is a comfort to her friend to know she is constant in her thoughts. No surprise that she is your friend - the nicest people do have the nicest friends!
ReplyDeleteHere, when one of our friends or neighbors faces loss or illness, we organize dinners and grocery runs for the family. One person inquires as to schedules, likes and dislikes, allergies and so on, and every dinner is one that can either be frozen or set aside if not needed that night. No one rings the bell or interrupts - we leave it in the designated place and time. It is a small thing if spread over many hands and eases one or two burdens from the family. We continue as long as there is need, and everyone contributes from the neighborhood, regardless of whether they know the family.
Sande, what a wonderful and timely post. I have someone in my life that is battling with cancer. I will be sure and follow your post for the wonderful suggestions you are going to give us. Thank you, Beautiful post,Kathysue
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post. It's during times of need that we should be there to support our family, friend, our community, and these gifts do just that. It hopefully puts a smile on their face even if it's for a moment, and lets them know they are loved.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for addressing this subject! I'm so excited to hear your imput. Have been on the receiving and giving end of what you're talking about and I can testify that even the tiniest gift of a card that says one line of thoughtfulness can mean a tremendous amount when the hurting is deep. It is indeed, healing. You are right on in this post!
ReplyDeleteLove this idea! I know that it would make a difference to me. To know someone is thinking about me without having to talk to them or read a note full of words that I already know and would prefer not to hear (even kind sentiments can hurt). Just something pretty to look at is perfect. My neighbor's husband just left her and her sons (six and ONE MONTH OLD!), and I think I might try to do something like this for her.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post...and so true...there is nothing like receiving a small gift of comfort during a difficult time.
ReplyDeleteThis is very touching. And what a thoughtful idea! The teacup ideas would make wonderful gifts and could be given everyday because they wouldn't take that long to make.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and I'm looking forward to reading more!
btw I came across your blog from A Cup of Coffee, My Dog and Me. ;)
Plain and simple-this is a fantastic post. It serves as an excellent reminder that even the smallest demonstrations of thoughtful generosity can have a big impact! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteSande you could not have said it better. Doing something in a meaningful way that is respectful of what they are going thru is so important. Your suggestions are heartfelt and thoughtful. I am sure you will receive many wonderful suggestions and I look forward to reading them. At this time I also think of the partner, the daughter, son.. any loved one who also needs the gentle support to know someone is thinking of them and cares. Just think of all the people who will be touched as a result of your posts. It is wonderful :)
ReplyDeleteJeanne
Sande,
ReplyDeleteThank you for reminding us to listen to the voice that tells us to do something for someone who is suffering or hurting. So often, we hear the voice echo "You need to do something" but our fear of doing the wrong thing inhibits us from doing anything at all. I am so guilty of this, and I hate that I have been guilty of this numerous times.
When my mother's mother passed away last March, I had no idea what to do. So, I found a beautiful journal wrapped it in a thick melon satin ribbon and gave it to her. What I wrote on the inside of the journal is what really mattered. I told her to write down all of her childhood, adolescent, and adult memories of her mother so that as she wrote she would recall even more fond memories.
The night after the funeral, my mother and I laid on the bed in my bedroom and she began to write...She still writes in this journal, and one day I look forward to reading these memories to Amelia, so that she, too, will know Grandma.
Dear Sande,
ReplyDeleteThis might be the most important series of posts that you have ever written. I have lived through terrible loss and know how important these gestures are. One small thing that I did for my girlfriend with cancer was send her a note or a card every week during her treatments. At the party to celebrate her recovery, she had my array of cards displayed across her mantle. She said it was the most wonderful gift she received during that time because she knew she could count on those words of encouragement or laughter every week.
I love gifts of beauty and you do that so well. In fact, you do it better than anyone I know. Hand-written notes are so rare these days and are quite inexpensive.
I look forward to hearing all your ideas. I'm sure every one of them will be as beautiful as your generous and loving heart!
I love what you have written today. A lump appeared in my throat and a tinkle in my eye.
ReplyDeleteTruly lovely thoughts and ideas from one gift giver to another - just to say " I'm here"
beautiful.
x Suzi
What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
ReplyDeleteDebby
What a wonderful friend you have.
ReplyDeleteI sent a gift of flowers to a friend in need just last year. She had to leave her first child in hospital a week after his birth because of an infection he picked up in that hospital and was utterly devastated.
Thanks for a wonderful post...and idea. I minute I read this, I knew exactly the person that I needed to cheer and encourage.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post and your creative ideas, Sande. I will remember them....have a great weekend. xo
ReplyDeleteSuch an important post, really just acknowledging someone in love and support even if it is a small gesture...great ideas. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reminding us how wonderful it is to be thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post and what an incredible idea your friend came up with!...I think too often people are afraid to reach out, but I think in certain times it is the best thing to do....sometimes it can be as simple as providing a home cooked meal, or babysitting someone's children.
ReplyDelete(I know this post was more about people, but being an artist who paints pet portraits, I know many people find having their pet's portrait done is a wonderful way to memorialize them after they have passed.)
Sande, A very thoughtful, poignant post today--has touched so many of us. In addition to articulating so clearly a very difficult subject you have offered beautiful suggestions of comfort that can be shared with those who are in need. I truly look forward to your Bringing Small Comfort Series. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDear Sande,
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful idea. I think it is lovely to leave a gift on the doorstep. People need as many smiles as thay can get when they are going through a bad time. I look forward to reading all of the ideas that come your way. XXXX
What a beautiful and thoughtful post. I unfortunately have lost far too many friends for my age group, and have two close to me fighting cancer right now. It is so hard to know what is the "right" thing to do, for them, for you. I love what your friend is doing, and I love that you are touching on this and offering suggestions. Because it is never easy.
ReplyDeleteThank you for opening this door and offering suggestions,
Nathalie
What lovely ideas ! Can anyone tell me the brands of these lovely porcelain cups ???
ReplyDeleteOh this really touched me, I really appreciated the ideas and the inspiration. Truly I do, thank you darling Sande.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Thank you for adressing this topic. Sometimes jsut knowing that someone is thinking of you, and taking the time to let you know that, is such a gift. I look forward to reading more about this topic on your blog.
ReplyDeleteHave just stumbled in and am so glad that I did. My mother has been very ill with cancer and when I think about the comforting things that her friends and family have done for her a few special things come to mind. My niece, her granddaughter provided the softest throw for her to wrap up in. And someone knit her a prayer shawl that she loves. Someone else brought a cd of "soaking music." Thank you for putting thoughts to words with this post. I hope to find you again to read the other installments in this series.
ReplyDeleteWow! This is such an important topic that people get really squirmish about. Thank you for tackling it!
ReplyDeleteFour years ago my son was stillborn and I knew that people had good intentions, but many really didn't know what to do. Through that I learned how to handle this when other people go through it. One of the very best things that anyone did for me was offer to help out with my other children. Another blessing was the meals that people brought for us.
For a very ill loved one we have also sent our children's art work. That always cheered her spirits. Little things really do matter!
I'm looking forward to the rest of your postings!
Sandi, what an incredible post. . .
ReplyDeleteI have tears in my eyes. Love + thought go a long way, and I believe you can never be too kind. What a beautiful idea. . .a little comfort and prettiness in a hard time. Sandi, you are such a beautiful person inside + out :)
xo,
Sarah
What a thoughtfull post Sande, one of my friends was diognosed with breast cancer unfortunatly I moved to a different country while she was going through this awfull disease, so every time she had to go for cymo my friends arranged a bunch of flowers to be sent to her which I could contribute to so she new we were all thinking of her. I love the candel in the cup what a pretty gift to look at & smell Elaine ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you for such a beautiful post. My daughter was going through some serious health issues and seemed to help her to write about it, so while whe was still in the hospital I went to a bookstore and bought a pretty journal, bookmark and pretty colored pens. She really liked this gift.
ReplyDeleteI hope this is a suggestion that may be helpful for others. Gail
Dear Sande,
ReplyDeleteWhat an extraordinary post. I'm certain you are doing more good by this gesture than you can imagine.
When I've had very sick friends, and that fact was acknowledged forthrightly between the two of us, I've asked them what could I do that would give them pleasure -- anything in my power. These are some of the answers I received: Just come and see me, don't avoid me, talk to me; bring me some roses from your garden; read to me; make dinner for me one night and then stay and share it with me. One friend in New York gave me her grocery list and off I went to do major shopping for her, stocking in all sorts of staples and then picked up a tiny bouquet for her bedside on the way home. (Everything is delivered in the city so I could do a serious run for her.)
Let me ask friends what they've done when someone they love has been gravely ill.
Thank you dear Sande.
Tishx
Years ago as a high school student my father was suffering from a very serious illness. I missed a lot of school helping to take care of 4 younger siblings as the only other driver when my mom was at the hospital. We had just moved to a new town but were welcomed by a community that helped make sure that all the necessities were covered. But the most thoughtful and loving gift came from a dear teacher at school. One day she handed me a brown paper bag containing 4 Hershey bars, one for each of my brothers and sisters. She said she had wracked her brain wanting to help and in a moment of desperation (that was truly inspiration) she thought that something purely "fun" was probably missing for my younger brothers and sisters. Wow - still brings tears to my eyes, because she was so right. And so 4 Hershey bars will always be one of the best presents I've ever received. It gave me a smile and allowed me to break out of the chronic situation I was in, even if only momentarily. The best gifts are ones that come from the heart, and don't have to be big, or expensive or even given directly to the person who is ill. They just have to be given.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post and a great idea especially because this is my theme this year. "Today what can I do for another person" Each morning I say this and each night I ask myself, "What have I done for someone else today?"
ReplyDeleteI have a very good friend who has had a double mastectomy, this was following the death of her twin sister to cancer, then the death of her mother to cancer 6 months later. She also has had part of a lung removed from cancer then came the double mastectomy. She lives on the opposite coast from me. But when things were touch and go after her 3rd surgery I sent her funny cards every 3 days. Some were children's cards, some made no sense, I even sent her a card in spanish. Neither of us speak spanish but it made us both laugh and that is so importatnt. I talk to her at least once a month or more and my husband and I try to visit them about every 6 months. We never know when her time will come and we all know it will, but for now we have so much fun together and just pray for her to continue as long as possible. She has had a clean bill of health for 2 years and we are greatful everyday for this. What I am trying to say is laughter is what keeps us up and positive for this moment, so make it a wonderful moment and memorable. Don't dwell and the what if's, they are there in the shadows, we just don't look at them.
Dear Sande,
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely one of my favorite posts, so touching and truly generous.
These 4 ideas are brilliant, delightfully simple and exquisite.
It's so true that we feel at a loss, when dealing with illness. I lost a few friends to cancer and leukemia and often felt awkward about choosing little gifts.
Thank you for this post
Hi Sweetie, long time since I visited but you know the timing was perfect! I am dealing with a friend who is losing a sistr to brain cancer and it has been especially difficult for her. They are in the "final stages" and i know her life has become consumed with the everyday sadness that comes with watching someone you love in pain. We talk about it, pray about it, we've invited her husband and her over for dinner - but I always think I want to do something more. I like the idea of leaving a little unexpected gift on the porch, just to make her smile and to celebrate her. Thanks for this post, it has helped.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Amada
This is an important subject.
ReplyDeleteMy dearest friend has had on and off cancer for over ten years, lately she has found out it has spread to her bones. This means she can never win the illness, but she is fighting against spreading with chemo again.
My way of showing her that I care for her is to help her. I prepare her soups for the days when she is too ill and tired to cook, walk her dogs, clean her house, run errands and just be with her. I cannot take her pain and suffer away, but I can help her in little ways.
Eight yars ago I heard the frightening words of cancer. My dear friends came to my home and cooked meals with my two daughters assisting them. It gave my girls a sense of normalacy that calmed their fears.
ReplyDeleteSande even when I don't have time to read every post, I scroll through your photos just to enjoy. They are uniformly beautiful and always give me a lift. xxx
ReplyDeleteSande, what a touching post and a very thoughtful friend you have. It really made me think of just how dropping off the gifts, something so small, could put a smile on the face of one struggling with an illness. We can all take something from this. Thanks for sharing...
ReplyDeleteA pwerful and wonderful post. When one of my friend's bravely faced her cancer, we did all those things. But mostly just talking. Every day. Even a short phone call. And then, organizing meals for every day. For months. So that she would never have to worry about that part of family life. And concentrate on healing. {which she did!} xo Lidy
ReplyDeleteThis has got to be one of the most touching posts I have ever read. Your words are perfection. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI finally became stable enough to get my second round of chemo Friday, 3 weeks late. My caregiver is my grandaughter and she is sick today so our rolls are reversed. I have been standing/sitting by my stove trying to cook her something she can keep on her tummy. So I don't know about others but I appreciate your thoughts regarding feeding cancer patients because lots of us have false pride and will not ask for help. But I promise your friend will love and appreciate your kindnesses.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your soft and gentle spirit that give direction for hurting lives! Keep going!
ReplyDeleteA heartwarming and true posting.
ReplyDeleteThe importance of knowing someone cares can be the wings that carry them farther than they ever thought they could ever travel.
In life it is the littlest of gestures that touch the heart most profoundly.
Great tips and advice. Often we do indeed do nothing because we don't know what to to or say. Your blog gives some wonderful ideas.
ReplyDeleteI am SO glad you had this one tagged as a favorite posting. Somehow I missed it when you first posted.
ReplyDeleteWhat lovely thoughts.....especially felt this... as it resonated.... you just put it perfectly into words...
'...gifts can be more than that, done in the proper spirit they can be incredibly healing. Bringing beauty when it seems like it has gone far away.'
I LOVE that... bringing beauty when it seems like it has gone far away. That's usually when we need it the most!
Glad this posting didn't get buried in your archives.
Hugs.................
Thank you for this post. It hits close to home as my dear friend begins her journey against this terrible disease.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the great advise - It is by all the little things we do that make all the difference in the end!
ReplyDeletegratitudes à ce post.. un jour, j'ai reçu pour une départ d'un être cher, une belle orchidée avec une carte géante de reconfort me disant l'Amour reste dans le Present.. aujourd'hui l'orchidée me donne toujours ce don d'amour.
ReplyDelete