I know this subject is hard. It feels like I am dripping in emotion this week as I write more and more in this series Bringing Small Comforts. I know this isn't the fun stuff that we usually talk about on blogs, especially one that is supposed to be about gifts and gift wrapping. I have written ahead a bit so I will admit that it is a draining subject for me to write and for you to read. Then I think to myself "I feel drained? So what? This is not about me and so for now we are going to keep talking about support until I am wrung dry or you tell me to stop, whatever comes first. OK? I promise some pretty "doorstep" gifts and gift wrapping are ahead.We can have lots of excuses when we look for them, but nobody can really say I don't have time, I'm too busy. Not when someone is sick, alone, bored, worried, and needs her close circle of friends. It is that simple. "I don't have time, I'm too busy" is such an overused expression these days. We use it so easily and so conveniently that we really should give our heads a shake or two don't you think? I am not even talking about saying it out loud, heaven forbid it always sounds downright ridiculous, I am talking about telling ourselves this exact excuse in order to avoid something that we perceive as uncomfortable, awkward, unthinkable. Fellow blogger Trish Jett of A Femme d'un Certain Age commented to me that when two friends were faced with cancer she asked them what she could do to bring them pleasure, Anything in her power she told them....... anything. "Just come and see me, don't avoid me, talk to me" . There it is in a nutshell don't you think? Don't avoid me. Our hearts may be there with them in illness or grief, but we avoid looking them in the eye. The mind shuffles itself in a protective manner and visiting the friend you love while they are in pain or suffering is way too painful for some, for many of us. Every instinct tells us to look away. So what am I saying in this most awkward way? I am repeating this isn't about you. You call, you call again, and get over there and sit with your friend and just visit. Just grab your keys and go. Short visits. Frequent visits. Don't give her the chance to say "don't worry about it, I know you are busy". Her reply is female code for "I know how uncomfortable this is for you". Pay no attention and go as often as you can, make it comfortable. Be a pest. Look her in the eye. Be a good listener. We can do this.
Photo from Photographer's Limited editions via the blog Beautiful Things To Share/blog link to A Femme d'un Certain Age
I just found your blog, and will read it in a moment but wanted you to know from reading your bio, that I will be happy to follow you, please stop in and take a look at mine, if you like it please follow. God Bless you
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you, none of us is so damn busy that we can't take a little time to be with people we care about. I just lost my Mother in January and truth be told felt like I was dying inside. Did anyone really come to see me? NO, Did I get any real cards? A few. I realize that all of this personal stuff is hard to talk about but it happens to all of us and when it happens to you, God forbid you are going to want your friends around to console you, bring dinner, sit with you, make coffee, let you cry, whatever you need, that is what friends are for.
ReplyDeleteOh Sande, this is wonderful, filled with so many words of wisdom. Being too busy is no excuse when a freind or loved one is hurting. Just being there to talk is the best medicine!
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous Sunday and thank you for reminding us all that no excuses are allowed!
Thank you for speaking important words. As a nurse and a woman I have been a part of much illness, suffering and death. I cannot emphasize how very very important it is to be present for a loved one. You don't need a gift, you don't have to say a word. Just go, sit, hold a hand, stroke a forehead, give a smile, share a tear. Please. If you ever thought even for a second, "should I go?", the answer is already YES. Make a difference when it means something.
ReplyDeleteKatharina
My friend, we'll call her A, had a 2 year full on struggle with leukemia, we lived too far away to pop in...but we did manage a trip a pilgrimage of sorts, to the hospital where she was in isolation after stem cell transplant...I made her a visitor's bench, country style, distressed and wrapped in a large peach satin bow!....the looks we got from the staff were priceless!!
ReplyDeleteVisitors sat on this bench where before it was standing room only. I'd like to think they could linger longer...she is 5 years cancer free....stuffies from her ordeal now sit on th bench in her guest room.
I appreciate the gestures however simple they may be...everyone of us need comfort and support...let us hope that we do not need to be seriously ill before our friends and loved ones spend time with us.
Lovely and inspiring post as usual, merci beaucoup.
One thing I have also talked to friends with cancer or terminal illness is to treat yourself at least once a week. A manicure, a trip to Barnes and Noble, to a museum, A red sweater on the sale rack, even a walk along your favorite path.
ReplyDeleteIt does not have to cost much, or anything!
Karena
Simply beautiful, Sande. I'm copying this into my personal note file to keep in front of me.
ReplyDeleteMy precious husband, who is the most handsome man - has always looked young for his age, even now - has Alzheimer's. He doesn't know me at all. We've been married for 10 1/2 years, so we didn't have children together, ours were already grown. His adult children from 2 previous marriages don't like me at all, but they acknowledge that "he's happier" when I've been to see him. Yes, all it takes is time, time we might have spent fiddling away doing nonsense. I wish I could meet you, I admire you so much. Marsha
Sande, you are a gift. And your post is dead on right. I'm going through a very rough time right now, perhaps the roughest ever and my friends have come out of the woodwork to support me. Having them do exactly what you mentioned has been my saving grace. Thank you. Love, kitty.
ReplyDeleteSuch a well needed message to all of us. My mother was blessed with such devoted friends that were either always there in body or a phone call away through her fight with cancer. I have been so disappointed with my life-long friends & some family that have not said any words of sympathy since her death on Jan 1st. I agree that often people hide because they don't know what to say, but long ago someone gave me that advice that it is not about me, it's about sucking it up & being there for them. Now my mother in law in Scotland is going through the same thing, (terminal stomach cancer) and although she does not like to talk about "feelings", I'm wanting her that no matter what, I'm calling & writing if even to say, "I care, how are you today?". Bravo to you Sande, bravo. x
ReplyDeleteI love your encouragement to get out there and sacrifice your time and comfort for the sake of those who are sick or grieving.
ReplyDeleteI want to say this as gently as possible, the only thing I was uncomfortable with was the encouragement to become a pest. I know you didn't mean that literally but were making the point to visit often---but to balance it, I wanted to say that when I was seriously ill, I tended to appreciate phone calls more than visitors. The illness and treatment took so much energy that it was often too much for me to handle, having someone stop by. At the same time, I loved and was helped tremendously by phonecalls asking how I was doing or how my day went. Especially in the evenings when my fears ran rampent and the loneliness was most acute. Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give.
Thank you for the sacrifice of your own energy and emotion in addressing this topic. You're doing a wonderful job and I look forward to each new post. :)
We are the best entertained least informed people of all time .We are fed a steady "news" of taboid format ,filled with useless information of scandals and gossip.Yes we are busy.
ReplyDeleteBut what if we change our thinking of the words us and we .If we say some of us have ..or some of us are .. Instead of they have or they are?It is like throwing a stone in the lake and watching the circles expand.
Sande, this is so introspective. I look inside and wonder if I have done justice to friends in need in the past. I hope that in the future I am more aware and I think I will be thanks to you and your wonderful post, Thank you for these wonderful words,Kathysue
ReplyDeleteThank you - and I love that you blog is mixed with all kinds of gifts - the kind that you buy and the kind that are priceless!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sande, I really appreciate the posts. I also find the comments very moving too.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Thank you Sande for putting it all out there and digging deep to continue on with this topic. I am picking up the phone right now to make a long overdue call.
ReplyDeleteNathalie
I have found that crisis brings out the best in people. Luckily, I haven't had many...but, when I have, friends have been wonderful. I also see that when it has been someone else's crisis, we pull together, we organize meals and visits, childcare and rides. I've been lucky to avoid those that are "too busy" but I must say it is their loss. There is nothing quite like helping someone who really needs it.
ReplyDeleteSue
Sometimes the truth is painful but you have written it with eloquence, giving a gentle nudge in the right direction.
ReplyDeletecouldn't agree more, Sande....great thoughts. We do hide behind our "busy" a lot and miss out on opportunities to really connect with others, because it is safer. Bull on safer.....we are blessed when we connect. that's it. thanks for addressing this!
ReplyDeleteSuzanne
good advice. my mom started losing friends to cancer around my age
ReplyDelete(50) and i can't bear to part with any of my friends.
she taught me through example, that her support and time made all the difference.
We just don't take the time. In the past, we took the time. What has happened? It's not good!
ReplyDeleteI love your post. Keep the truthful and kind words coming.
Teresa
I am catching up with your Small Comforts series and I am really enjoying reading it. At times I find myself nodding my head and agreeing with you 100%. We cannot be all sunshine and roses all the time ~ this is life and this is reality. Thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post. I am battling lung cancer. The chemo I have been taking is not strong enough to shrink my tumor and a new small cancer has appeared. So if they will let me, since I have an upper respiratory infection, I am supposed to start a stronger chemo for 3 wks. on Wed. then off a week and back on again for another cycle then they will do a PET Scan. I am so lucky to have so many people that have shown me concern and kindnesses. Please don't stop posting about cancer.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
nancy
www.rivieraboardwalk.blogspot.com
I have been battling lung cancer and the chemo I have been taking is not strong enough to shrink my tumor and a new small cancer that has appeared. So I am supposed to start a new stronger chemo on Wed. If they will let me start it with an upper respiratory infection. I am lucky to have had so many people show their concern and kindnesses to me. Please don't stop posting about cancer. Awareness is so needed.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
nancy
www.rivieraboardwalk.blogspot.com
Making time, at any time, is the best gift of all...Lovely post Sande, xv.
ReplyDeleteSande,
ReplyDeleteThese posts go straight to the heart. Keep them coming! We all need reminders that life shouldn't be so rushed, and that the most important thing to cherish are those we love and care about....friends and family.
Beautifully written, thank you.
~Melissa
Dear Sande,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that I'm late with my comment on such an important issue.
You are so right about this. I remember years ago, someone told me that , when her husband died, people crossed the street, rather than have to say something. I know it's slightly diferent, but it is along the same lines. I always ask people how they are if they are very ill and I always say, if you don't want to talk or want a visit, that's fine, but call when you do.
Thanks so much for bringing this delicate subject up and make us remember those people who are suffering and need our support. XXXX
My name is Julia C. from Buenos Aires, is the first time that I read your blog ( but not the last) This post is a "human post" and behind it I'm sure there is a real human being. Thank you, since now I'll be a follower of your blog.
ReplyDeletelasillachic.blogspot.com
A great idea. I just "missed my chance" with a friend with cancer whom I was putting off visiting because it was awkward. Now she is on her deathbed and not alert, medicated, comatose. I regret this so much. Thanks for reaching out to us to remember. Marcy
ReplyDelete